I never really had anybody to teach me how to be cool with girls with the exception of Cameron Crowe and John Hughes’ movies. Say Anything told me that if you put your heart on the line you’d be rewarded with her love. And not just any run of the mill love. Ione Skye’s love. Those movies made me a preteen romantic. I had no idea how much this was gonna fuck me up for years.
So, in sixth grade it was mentioned to me through the gossip mill that a girl named Agnus liked me. Weird name, right? At any rate, ask her out? Nope. Not this guy. I was pulling out all the stops. I decided the romantic thing to do would be to leave her a love note. I would woo her.
Like an idiot, I got to work. Flowery language here. A picture of myself there. Girls like glitter, right? Okay. Maybe another picture of myself just for good measure. Lemme grab a glue stick and put it all together. There. Perfect.
I left it in her locker and went home feeling ten feet tall and full of hope and invincibility. Tomorrow I would have a girlfriend. We would hold hands when we went out in public and form our own special language. We’d watch my favorite movies and when the characters I idolized would finally kiss I’d lean over and kiss her. Every time.
The next morning upon entering school I got a lot of smirks and giggles. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that had happened. With dread in my stomach and a slow sick realization of what was happening I entered my classroom to find her circulating five (five!) copies of my love note around the classroom. The girl had xeroxed it. I was betrayed, humiliated and embarrassed. I wasn’t a Jake Ryan. I was a Ducky. And my heart broke for the first time in my life. I had even made her a mixtape. Agnus and I never talked again.
Any minor success I have with girls now comes from an entire teenage experience of embarrassing encounters and awkward mishaps. This experience taught me one of the most important lessons. Play it cool, dude. I’m still learning it today.
I heard later her parents sent her to a boarding school when they found out she’d been having sex with her cousin. So, y’know. I win.
I never really had anybody to teach me how to be cool with girls with the exception of Cameron Crowe and John Hughes’ movies. Say Anything told me that if you put your heart on the line you’d be rewarded with her love. And not just any run of the mill love. Ione Skye’s love. Those movies made me a preteen romantic. I had no idea how much this was gonna fuck me up for years.
So, in sixth grade it was mentioned to me through the gossip mill that a girl named Agnus liked me. Weird name, right? At any rate, ask her out? Nope. Not this guy. I was pulling out all the stops. I decided the romantic thing to do would be to leave her a love note. I would woo her.
Like an idiot, I got to work. Flowery language here. A picture of myself there. Girls like glitter, right? Okay. Maybe another picture of myself just for good measure. Lemme grab a glue stick and put it all together. There. Perfect.
I left it in her locker and went home feeling ten feet tall and full of hope and invincibility. Tomorrow I would have a girlfriend. We would hold hands when we went out in public and form our own special language. We’d watch my favorite movies and when the characters I idolized would finally kiss I’d lean over and kiss her. Every time.
The next morning upon entering school I got a lot of smirks and giggles. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that had happened. With dread in my stomach and a slow sick realization of what was happening I entered my classroom to find her circulating five (five!) copies of my love note around the classroom. The girl had xeroxed it. I was betrayed, humiliated and embarrassed. I wasn’t a Jake Ryan. I was a Ducky. And my heart broke for the first time in my life. I had even made her a mixtape. Agnus and I never talked again.
Any minor success I have with girls now comes from an entire teenage experience of embarrassing encounters and awkward mishaps. This experience taught me one of the most important lessons. Play it cool, dude. I’m still learning it today.
I heard later her parents sent her to a boarding school when they found out she’d been having sex with her cousin. So, y’know. I win.
